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My sweet baby boy,

Do you know you have a sister now? Of course you do, I know you helped bring her to us. It wasn't long ago that the two of your were together playing on streets of Gold. Have you seen how big she is getting? The way she smiles off into the distance makes me wonder if you are right there with her. Do you hear her coo's and giggles coming from the nursery that you both share? I'd like to think you are in there with her, making silly faces and tickling her toes. When I rock her at night and sing her to sleep, don't think that I don't feel you there with me, running your fingers through her dark hair. I know you are there. It is a bittersweet trade off the way things have worked out. I wouldn't have her if it weren't for you. I want so badly to know the reasons why, but for now I will soak up every minute I get to Mother your baby sister, I will soak up enough minutes for the both of us, okay? Don't think I miss you any less just because my arms are now filled, because there is still an empty place in my heart, for you, that will never be filled until we are united again. Thank you my sweet son for making me the Mother that I am. You help me every single day to remember to cherish every God-given second that I have with her. I appreciate the good, the bad, and the ugliest of days because of you. You make life beautiful. You are the best big brother, I hope you know. We love you and we miss you always.

Love Mom and baby Sister, Saylor.

Also- for those of you who follow my posts on this blog, feel free to follow my monthly posts of loss, infertility, and adoption at www.smittenby.net. My posts go live the first Wednesday of every month. <3

Where I am now...nearly 11 months out.

Well, here I am... almost 1 year ago I was planning to meet you. This last year has been filled with my greatest joys, deepest sorrows, life-lessons learned, and love felt. In just 1 month I will be planning your birthday, but it will be so different than a typical one year old birthday. There will be no messy face, half-eaten cake, the blowing out of candles, gifts, laughs, and smiles. There will be balloons though. You won't be poking at them and carrying them around in your tiny hands. I will be sending them to you- in Heaven. As much as it hurts that this is my reality, it is just that- reality. I will openly admit that I have hard days without you here, but I have come to the point where I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I was given you, a choice spirit, a perfect angel as my son. How many people can say that? I feel blessed to have been given to opportunity to carry you for 9 months, and to feel your kicks and hiccups. Some people never get that opportunity. I feel blessed to know that you are mine forever, for eternity. You are my son and always will be my son and I will have the opportunity to raise you once again. I love you little man. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. I know I have you pulling for me in Heaven, and I have a feeling that we have some exciting things to come. <3

A +New+ Year

The year is ending and I am yet again filled with mixed emotions. I am grateful for the somewhat of a fresh start that 2013 brings, yet afraid and anxious of what the future holds for me and for my family. My sister said it perfectly when she said "2012 brought us true heartbreak, sorrow, renewed faith, inspiration, and new perspectives on life." That honestly, sums it up for me. 2012 had some of my greatest joys (finally becoming pregnant, announcing to family and friends, preparing to meet our son, and finally becoming a mother) and the deepest sorrows that I will ever come to know. I have grown so much as an individual in this last year. This life is truly precious and I feel so blessed to wake up each morning. I am full of hope for 2013 and the good that it may bring to me and to all of my loved ones. I pray that this is the year we will bring a little one home, what a sweet day that will be.

Grateful through the grief

Today is Thanksgiving, the first official holiday without Clutch. I'm going to be honest when I say that it is really difficult to be thankful when the only thing you have wanted,needed,wished for, and prayed for, just isn't what it should be. I had to look beyond the grief and loneliness to see the bigger picture; that in fact, I am blessed with so many wonderful things. I have a perfect Angel son, who watches over me and teaches me every single day. I was blessed with the ability to love so deeply a person who I may not fully know until the next life. I have a family who doesn't judge me when I am just having a rough day and a husband who lightens my load on those rough days. He finds the good and never fails to make me smile, even if its through tears. Most of all, I am blessed with this gospel and a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and who loves me. I think it's in these times when it feels as if we cannot find good things in life, that we do a little soul searching to seek out those good things. This life is a precious gift and it really is amazing.

It's been...

Its been nearly 5 months since I've held you. I don't know what life would be like with you here, as my grief has consumed me without you here. My arms still ache to hold you. What would my 5 month old baby be like? What would it be like to hear coo's and cries coming from the empty nursery? How much would you weigh? Who would you look like more? For now, I can only imagine these things and look forward to the day when they become a reality. Sometimes it feels as if its been forever since i've felt your small hiccups, your kicks, or held you in my arms and others it feels as if it were only moments ago because I so vividly remember the feeling of your skin and the smell of your hair. It is bizarre what your mind is capable of when protecting itself from more trauma. I feel as if I was there- in the hospital giving you life and death all within moments of each other, and then I am here, today. Everything in between can be a blur and I wonder how long this will last. This living day to day because this is what we do, we deal and we cope. I've been on an emotional roller coaster called grief these last 5 months...sometimes I am okay, others I am not, I think that its normal and then I question myself because the word "normal" no longer exists to me because my life is anything but. One thing that I will continue to rely on for more of those "normal" days is my Savior and my faith, because the days that I am "okay" are the days that I know He is carrying me through.

9 months I carried you, 16 hours I held you in my arms, and a lifetime I will hold you in my heart. 

{Captureyourgrief} Day 18: Anniversary

Day 18: Anniversary

[06.06.12]