{Captureyourgrief} Day 4: Treasured item

Day 4: Treasured item

These hand molds are one of my most treasured items. We have a separate pair that pray with us every night. I hold them and can't believe that those little hands are forever a part of us. I am so grateful the nurses took the time to give me something so priceless. These, I will hold close to my heart forever. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 3: After loss photo

Day 3: After loss photo
These are the last moments that I held Clutch and the end of his service. There are no words to express how difficult this day was; Saying hello and goodbye all too close together. In the picture below, I believe reality was beginning to sink in and I was realizing that this was no bad dream. I was never going to wake up from this...this was real life. As real and raw as it gets.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 2: Before loss photo

Day 2: Before loss photo

I know I've posted this one before, but honestly, this day right here is the type of day I miss. I miss the days of innocence, when I knew nothing of the pain I deal with now.  I knew nothing of heartache, empty arms, or grief. Although, I am grateful for the new perspective that I have on life, I would trade everything i've learned to just have my son here.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1: Sunrise
This Sunrise marks the beginning of capturing my grief throughout the month of October. The loss of my son has given each and every sunrise real importance. I do not know what challenges each new day will bring, but I know that I am yet again given the chance to prove myself and to strive to become a better person. It's the beginning of another day without my son here with me, but it is also a reward for completing the one prior to.  

{Capture}yourgrief

Just a little something I will be doing in honor of my sweet angel, Clutch. <3

At a loss for words.

Last week one of my worst anxieties became a reality as I was working and a woman came running up to me with bright eyes to ask me how my baby was doing. I had rehearsed this scenario in my mind a million times, but when I was in that moment I was at a loss for words. I sat in silence for a few awkward moments as confusion came over her face. I couldn't spit out the words that seemed like a nightmare but were my reality. I was wishing so badly that I had happy news for her. In a roundabout way I told her things didn't go as planned and that he didn't make it. I felt terrible, not necessarily for myself but for her. She was also at a loss for words. I was wishing that this conversation had never happened, for her sake. I'm that girl- I put a damper on what should be a happy conversation, but this IS my reality. Another piece of my already broken heart crumbled in that moment, but I did it. I made it out alive.

A BIG {Thank You}...

Instead of picking out outfits, we were picking out a headstone... something I wish NO ONE had to do. We had debated on different styles, sayings, picture or no picture and so on. All of these ideas we had, these ideas to give our son exactly what he deserves- something beautiful and perfect like he is, costs money. A lot of money. Thousands. This was something we had not exactly planned for. My parents had so kindly offered to pick up the tab when one evening the owner of the memorial business called my Dad to tell him that someone, an anonymous someone, had called and offered to pay for Clutch's headstone- Every. Single. Penny. The person wanted to remain anonymous. I was speechless. Someone really cared that much to fork out thousands of dollars on our behalf? I was so overcome with gratitude. I kept playing in my mind how we could somehow repay this person, when I realized we cannot repay this person; All we can do is pay it forward. To help those around us in any way we can, and I hope and pray that someday we are in the position to help someone in the way this person helped us. On that day, this person gave us more than a beautiful headstone for our Angel, they gave us hope for brighter days, and for that I cannot thank them enough. So, maybe..just maybe you are out there reading this right now. I hope you know how eternally grateful I am for you. Thank you.