Clutch's Story

My Family, Chaisson and I had gone up to Salt Lake to attend General Conference in October 2011, I cannot remember who gave the talk but it was on the importance of having children. As I listened to this speaker, I was fighting back tears. I wanted nothing more than to be a Mother and would gladly accept if given the opportunity. I felt broken. Chaisson and I would have been over the moon to welcome a baby into our home at any time after our marriage in December 2009. After returning home from our Conference trip, I had a strange dream that I should take a pregnancy test. I had recieved too many negatives in the past and I expected that day would be no different. It was. We were thrilled, life was good and we prayed and thanked our Heavenly Father for your spirit that would join our Family. I had terrible morning sickness, the in the Hospital getting IV fluids kind of sick. I tried to never complain as I knew you were a blessing. Chaisson was amazing, so helpful. No matter what time of night it was he would hold my hair back and care for me. At only 9 weeks we decided to tell our Family. We knew it was soon, but I was so sick and exhausted it was getting hard to pretend otherwise. We had cakes made with a picture printed on the top of a little onesie with our last name and Chaisson's baseball number on the back. Our Family was just as excited as we were! Things progressed and we heard your heartbeat, I have never heard anything so beautiful. Chaisson and I were so anxious to find out who we would be bringing into this world- a little Boy or Girl. I would have dreams that we would welcome a Boy, but I just "knew" it was a Girl. Chaisson believed otherwise, he knew all along who you were. We went to our ultrasound to confirm, and you were definitely a "He". Chaisson left that office literaly fist pumping, ha. His face lit up and he already started to talk about things like the type of Baseball player you would be, and how soon he could coach a traveling team. Pregnancy was going great and you were growing well. Chais felt you kick for the first time around 22 weeks and he just couldn't believe it, there really was a little guy inside of there. Things kept progressing and you were growing and getting big. We started your nursery. We had so much fun picking out the color of your walls. I learned a lesson- don't ever let your Dad do the taping around the trim. We would have been better off free-handing. We laughed really hard when we saw what a terrible job we did. Don't worry, we got things fixed as we knew you deserved nothing short of perfection. We chose a comfy crib and all of the best things we knew you would love! We enjoyed picking out comfy pajamas and stylish outfits and tucking them away in your dresser, of course you would dress like your Dad! You even had Underarmour outfits for Baseball games. We prayed for you every morning and night, that you would be healthy and that you would know of our love for you. We went back and forth with names for what seemed like forever. Although, I knew your name would be Clutch. Your Dad was a great hitter for his college teams and could always pull through in clutch situations, like when he had the game winning hit to take his team to their conference play offs. It fit you already. We called you Baby Clutch, or little C-low (also your Dad's nickname). You were an active Boy and I would dream of how I would chase you around the house, cleaning up after you, I knew you would be a busy body. My due date was fast-approaching and we were anxious not knowing when you would make your arrival. At 37 weeks we had our last ultrasound to check your growth. I hadn't gained much. You were 6lb. 10oz. at the time and moving around like crazy! You always were shy, never letting us see that handsome face of yours. You would turn away or cross your arms over your face, something your shy Dad would have done. We would come up with combinations of our features, just trying to put something together so we had an idea of what you would look like. Little did we know even our best combinations would fall short against your actual beauty. I was having contractions on and off for a few days when we attended our last Doctor appointment. Your hearbeat was 120. I was dilated and effaced. The Doctor said "Let's have a baby!". We were both overcome with emotions-nervousness, excitement and unsure of what would soon follow. Chaisson gave me and you both a blessing, that we would be safe. My nephew, Bridger, called to tell me that Jesus would keep me and you safe, he meant it. We arrived at the Hospital and things got hectic. Your heartrate was dipping with each contraction. I felt like a heavy stone sat on my chest. We were worried. Things moved fast and everything was  a blur. An emergency C-section was how we were going to bring you into this world. Things moved so quickly that Chaisson was not allowed in the room with us. He was pacing the hospital room-alone. They had you out within 2 minutes with a tight knot tied in your cord. They worked hard on you for an hour, doing all they could. I awoke from anethesia, asking where my baby was. The Doctor replied, "With our Heavenly Father". I was shaking and in shock, Chaisson came into me and we cried together. We didn't understand why, such a healthy boy could not be with us. We had heard your heartbeating only hours ago. Then, the nurses brought you into our room and when I saw your face, I knew why. You were an Angel. You had a mature look about you, you were Celestial. You had the most beautiful face I had ever seen. You looked a lot like your Dad. You had messy, strawberry hair that did an automatic faux-hawk, your Dad's hairline, a button nose, a dimpled chin just like your Grandpa, cheeks that touched your neck they were so full, dimpled fingers and feet, and the softest most beautiful skin i'd ever seen. I had until then, underestimated my ability to love another human being so much. I will never forget your spirit. It was peaceful and content, I knew you were happy where you were- in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father. The room was filled with your loving, precious spirit as Family took turns holding you and taking every mental note, always wanting to remember your little features. We had you for an amazing 16 hours. Those 16 hours will be hours I hold dear to my heart. We whispered our love to you and told you how proud we were of you. You were too perfect for this Earth and God needed you to run Heaven.We told you all of the things we would do when we could see you again, like playing catch. I told you to come visit me in my dreams and talk to me in the Temple. I did not want that day to end, I prayed for time to stop. It didn't. Handing you over to the nurse was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do into my entire life. My arms were immediately empty, a feeling I am still getting used to. We prayed for strength, to get through even another second. I have never felt the Holy Spirit so strong- confirming to us that things would be hard, but things were going to be okay. God has a special plan for each of us, this was ours. Your spirit has since never left me, and when I need it most I ask for you to help me even more, and you do. We have molds of your tiny hands that pray with us every night. Every day is a struggle without you here on Earth. I want to see your eyes open and hear your newborn cry, even if it meant for me, not getting a second of sleep. I would do anything to have you here with us, or even still in my stomach. I would be pregnant forever if I knew that was the only way I could have you. Its hard to imagine our life without your little body here, as we know your spirit will be with us always. No first steps, ballgames, or kindergarten graduation. We have found so much comfort in the Gospel and we will center our lives around it until we meet again. We want you to be proud of the people we are, so we will strive everyday to become like you, perfect in every way. We are so anxiously awaiting the day we get to raise you again. We are beyond grateful for the Lord, Jesus Christ, the plan of Salvation and our Eternal Family. You are and always will be a part of us. We love you more than words can ever express, we are confident that you are doing amazing things. In your brief stay here on Earth you have touched more lives than most do in a lifetime. I know you have forever changed mine.We love you for the eternities, take care of us like you already do. We love you Clutch. xoxo

Love for eternity,
Mom