Where I am right now..6weeks & 5days out

{We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.}

This quote speaks volumes about the way I am feeling right now, this very moment. This is not the life I had planned for myself. 22 years old, married almost 3 years and zero children here with me. I wish I had the eyes to see the bigger picture. I often wonder, when I am 80..90... will I look back and say that my life made perfect sense? That everything that transpired put me in the place I needed to be? I hope so. I hope this experience is making me the person I need to be for some reason that I do not know. Someone has told me that you can handle life's trials one of two ways... to be bitter or better. Bitter comes easy, but better makes LIFE easier. I could be bitter...upset with God, envious of those around me, angry, and withdrawn. Bitter about where I am in life, my new life. I choose to strive to be better...to allow myself to grow, to seek understanding, to learn and to love. It is not easy, but being bitter hurts my heart. Bitterness will not bring my son back, although I will admit those thoughts run through my mind at times. At 6weeks and 5days out from the loss of my precious son, I cannot tell if time is mending my broken heart, nor do I think it ever will. But life continues, the world keeps spinning, and here I am...stuck.  6 weeks has somewhat blurred the traumatic events leading up to Clutch's birth, and allowed me to focus more on the peaceful, precious moments I spent with my sweet Angel. I continue to feel his love for us everyday,  I hope and pray that I am making him proud.

{Where I am right now...4weeks & 1day out}

Well, It's been 4weeks and 1day since the birth of our little Angel. Every second, every hour is a struggle. I never imagined the amount of emotions one could feel within such a short amount of time. These last 4 weeks have been, at times, filled with "What if's..".  What if we didn't take the extra 20 minutes to grab our Hospital bags that day? What if we could have walked a little quicker into the Hospital? What if my last Doctor's appointment could have been one day earlier? Would then, my baby be here with me? These questions go through my mind at least a hundred times a day. I have to constantly remind myself that- No, Clutch wouldn't be here. This is God's plan, not mine. I have had to let go of -my- wants and -my- needs to allow myself to accept God's plan for me. I feel like my entire life I have tried to write my own story, it's only now that I realize that I am not the author of my life. Of course if it were up to me I would have my child here in my arms, but I know Heavenly Father has a much different plan and sacrificing the time I would spend here on Earth with Clutch will become the greatest blessing I will ever know in the next life. I have become obsessed with the little things that remind me of my beautiful son. His pictures, his birthstone that I wear on my right ring finger, my Husband's dog-tag's with Clutch's name, the tree we planted, the baseballs with his name and hand print, my Hospital bracelet, my C-section scar... next to feeling his spirit near to me, all these things remind me daily that he exists, that I am his Mother. Tomorrow marks one month since his birth. I have noticed so many tender mercies in my healing physically from birth and so many spiritual blessings in my life, for this I am so grateful. I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for blessing us with this sweet little boy.