It's been...

Its been nearly 5 months since I've held you. I don't know what life would be like with you here, as my grief has consumed me without you here. My arms still ache to hold you. What would my 5 month old baby be like? What would it be like to hear coo's and cries coming from the empty nursery? How much would you weigh? Who would you look like more? For now, I can only imagine these things and look forward to the day when they become a reality. Sometimes it feels as if its been forever since i've felt your small hiccups, your kicks, or held you in my arms and others it feels as if it were only moments ago because I so vividly remember the feeling of your skin and the smell of your hair. It is bizarre what your mind is capable of when protecting itself from more trauma. I feel as if I was there- in the hospital giving you life and death all within moments of each other, and then I am here, today. Everything in between can be a blur and I wonder how long this will last. This living day to day because this is what we do, we deal and we cope. I've been on an emotional roller coaster called grief these last 5 months...sometimes I am okay, others I am not, I think that its normal and then I question myself because the word "normal" no longer exists to me because my life is anything but. One thing that I will continue to rely on for more of those "normal" days is my Savior and my faith, because the days that I am "okay" are the days that I know He is carrying me through.

9 months I carried you, 16 hours I held you in my arms, and a lifetime I will hold you in my heart. 

{Captureyourgrief} Day 18: Anniversary

Day 18: Anniversary

[06.06.12]

{Captureyourgrief} Day 16: Release

Day 16: Release
There is no release from the pain that I feel on a daily basis, but I feel that a few things can truly help. Exercising has really helped me to clear my sometimes clouded mind. The temple helps put things in an eternal perspective and when I'm there, I know without a doubt that I can make it through. And, honestly a good laugh with my mom and sisters makes me feel a lot better about life at times. They know just what to say. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 14&15: community and wave of light

My community of mothers who have also experienced a loss {HALO} have been so supportive and helpful to me on my journey. We have monthly meetings where I feel like I can be honest about they way I am really feeling and not be judged upon my craziness. Tonight I attended my first ever pregnancy and infant loss awareness day gathering. It truly is amazing how many lives these little ones touch. Still missing mine every second...<3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 13: Signs

Day 13: Signs

I have often felt Clutch close to me. The days following his passing I felt a sweet, content spirit lingering in our hospital room. I could picture him standing next to us as we held his lifeless body, wishing he could intervene somehow. I have glimpses of what he may look like now at 4 months, and the hairs on my body stand up. And often times in the middle of hectic life, I become overwhelmed with cold chills like I've never felt before. I'd like to think its him giving me a hug. I know that the veil is thinner than we believe and that our loved ones surround us on a daily basis. Sometimes when things are quiet, I whisper to him how much I love and miss him and I know with all my heart that he hears me.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 12: Scent

{Captureyourgrief} Day 11: Supportive family and friends

Day 11:

I have no picture for this one because there is no way to put a picture containing all of the people who have helped me along this journey. A few I couldn't do it without would be my own immediate family. They have been here since the moment we lost Clutch and have not left my side. They are my everything. There are no words to express how much I appreciate them. I will never be able to repay them. They keep me positive about my situation, but accept me when I am not. And I could not end this post without mentioning my loving Husband, who is the only person on Earth whose feelings are closest to mine. He is my rock. I know God gave me this trial because I had Chaisson, and he is so strong and so positive. I am so blessed to be surrounded with support and love.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 10: Symbol

I can't help but think of Clutch when I look up at our beautiful Southern Utah skies and see these Heavenly clouds. I imagine the painting of Christ in the clouds with open arms and Angels on both sides, and my mind puts Clutch right there waiting to greet me.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 9: special place

Day 9: special place

The temple is my special place. I feel so close to Heaven. It truly is a little piece of Heaven on Earth.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 8: Jewelry

Day 8: jewelry

I have so many pieces of jewelry in remembrance of Clutch, like the ring given to me at his burial with his birthstone. This necklace was given to me by coworkers and it is one of my many favorites.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 7: What to say

Day 7: What to say

His name. Say his name. It doesn't hurt me, it helps me. He is my son, my baby, a person. I will never forget him and I want to know that you won't either. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 6: what not to say

Day 6: what not to say
"I know how you feel." I know that people are only looking for a way to empathize, but they do not know how I feel. Every situation is so different that mother's who have experienced a loss themselves may not know what I may be feeling at times.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 5: memorial

Day 5: memorial
I am so grateful I have a place to go that is just his. A place to clear my mind and feel close to my son. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 4: Treasured item

Day 4: Treasured item

These hand molds are one of my most treasured items. We have a separate pair that pray with us every night. I hold them and can't believe that those little hands are forever a part of us. I am so grateful the nurses took the time to give me something so priceless. These, I will hold close to my heart forever. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 3: After loss photo

Day 3: After loss photo
These are the last moments that I held Clutch and the end of his service. There are no words to express how difficult this day was; Saying hello and goodbye all too close together. In the picture below, I believe reality was beginning to sink in and I was realizing that this was no bad dream. I was never going to wake up from this...this was real life. As real and raw as it gets.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 2: Before loss photo

Day 2: Before loss photo

I know I've posted this one before, but honestly, this day right here is the type of day I miss. I miss the days of innocence, when I knew nothing of the pain I deal with now.  I knew nothing of heartache, empty arms, or grief. Although, I am grateful for the new perspective that I have on life, I would trade everything i've learned to just have my son here.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1: Sunrise
This Sunrise marks the beginning of capturing my grief throughout the month of October. The loss of my son has given each and every sunrise real importance. I do not know what challenges each new day will bring, but I know that I am yet again given the chance to prove myself and to strive to become a better person. It's the beginning of another day without my son here with me, but it is also a reward for completing the one prior to.