It's been...

Its been nearly 5 months since I've held you. I don't know what life would be like with you here, as my grief has consumed me without you here. My arms still ache to hold you. What would my 5 month old baby be like? What would it be like to hear coo's and cries coming from the empty nursery? How much would you weigh? Who would you look like more? For now, I can only imagine these things and look forward to the day when they become a reality. Sometimes it feels as if its been forever since i've felt your small hiccups, your kicks, or held you in my arms and others it feels as if it were only moments ago because I so vividly remember the feeling of your skin and the smell of your hair. It is bizarre what your mind is capable of when protecting itself from more trauma. I feel as if I was there- in the hospital giving you life and death all within moments of each other, and then I am here, today. Everything in between can be a blur and I wonder how long this will last. This living day to day because this is what we do, we deal and we cope. I've been on an emotional roller coaster called grief these last 5 months...sometimes I am okay, others I am not, I think that its normal and then I question myself because the word "normal" no longer exists to me because my life is anything but. One thing that I will continue to rely on for more of those "normal" days is my Savior and my faith, because the days that I am "okay" are the days that I know He is carrying me through.

9 months I carried you, 16 hours I held you in my arms, and a lifetime I will hold you in my heart.