A +New+ Year

The year is ending and I am yet again filled with mixed emotions. I am grateful for the somewhat of a fresh start that 2013 brings, yet afraid and anxious of what the future holds for me and for my family. My sister said it perfectly when she said "2012 brought us true heartbreak, sorrow, renewed faith, inspiration, and new perspectives on life." That honestly, sums it up for me. 2012 had some of my greatest joys (finally becoming pregnant, announcing to family and friends, preparing to meet our son, and finally becoming a mother) and the deepest sorrows that I will ever come to know. I have grown so much as an individual in this last year. This life is truly precious and I feel so blessed to wake up each morning. I am full of hope for 2013 and the good that it may bring to me and to all of my loved ones. I pray that this is the year we will bring a little one home, what a sweet day that will be.

Grateful through the grief

Today is Thanksgiving, the first official holiday without Clutch. I'm going to be honest when I say that it is really difficult to be thankful when the only thing you have wanted,needed,wished for, and prayed for, just isn't what it should be. I had to look beyond the grief and loneliness to see the bigger picture; that in fact, I am blessed with so many wonderful things. I have a perfect Angel son, who watches over me and teaches me every single day. I was blessed with the ability to love so deeply a person who I may not fully know until the next life. I have a family who doesn't judge me when I am just having a rough day and a husband who lightens my load on those rough days. He finds the good and never fails to make me smile, even if its through tears. Most of all, I am blessed with this gospel and a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and who loves me. I think it's in these times when it feels as if we cannot find good things in life, that we do a little soul searching to seek out those good things. This life is a precious gift and it really is amazing.

It's been...

Its been nearly 5 months since I've held you. I don't know what life would be like with you here, as my grief has consumed me without you here. My arms still ache to hold you. What would my 5 month old baby be like? What would it be like to hear coo's and cries coming from the empty nursery? How much would you weigh? Who would you look like more? For now, I can only imagine these things and look forward to the day when they become a reality. Sometimes it feels as if its been forever since i've felt your small hiccups, your kicks, or held you in my arms and others it feels as if it were only moments ago because I so vividly remember the feeling of your skin and the smell of your hair. It is bizarre what your mind is capable of when protecting itself from more trauma. I feel as if I was there- in the hospital giving you life and death all within moments of each other, and then I am here, today. Everything in between can be a blur and I wonder how long this will last. This living day to day because this is what we do, we deal and we cope. I've been on an emotional roller coaster called grief these last 5 months...sometimes I am okay, others I am not, I think that its normal and then I question myself because the word "normal" no longer exists to me because my life is anything but. One thing that I will continue to rely on for more of those "normal" days is my Savior and my faith, because the days that I am "okay" are the days that I know He is carrying me through.

9 months I carried you, 16 hours I held you in my arms, and a lifetime I will hold you in my heart. 

{Captureyourgrief} Day 18: Anniversary

Day 18: Anniversary

[06.06.12]

{Captureyourgrief} Day 16: Release

Day 16: Release
There is no release from the pain that I feel on a daily basis, but I feel that a few things can truly help. Exercising has really helped me to clear my sometimes clouded mind. The temple helps put things in an eternal perspective and when I'm there, I know without a doubt that I can make it through. And, honestly a good laugh with my mom and sisters makes me feel a lot better about life at times. They know just what to say. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 14&15: community and wave of light

My community of mothers who have also experienced a loss {HALO} have been so supportive and helpful to me on my journey. We have monthly meetings where I feel like I can be honest about they way I am really feeling and not be judged upon my craziness. Tonight I attended my first ever pregnancy and infant loss awareness day gathering. It truly is amazing how many lives these little ones touch. Still missing mine every second...<3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 13: Signs

Day 13: Signs

I have often felt Clutch close to me. The days following his passing I felt a sweet, content spirit lingering in our hospital room. I could picture him standing next to us as we held his lifeless body, wishing he could intervene somehow. I have glimpses of what he may look like now at 4 months, and the hairs on my body stand up. And often times in the middle of hectic life, I become overwhelmed with cold chills like I've never felt before. I'd like to think its him giving me a hug. I know that the veil is thinner than we believe and that our loved ones surround us on a daily basis. Sometimes when things are quiet, I whisper to him how much I love and miss him and I know with all my heart that he hears me.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 12: Scent

{Captureyourgrief} Day 11: Supportive family and friends

Day 11:

I have no picture for this one because there is no way to put a picture containing all of the people who have helped me along this journey. A few I couldn't do it without would be my own immediate family. They have been here since the moment we lost Clutch and have not left my side. They are my everything. There are no words to express how much I appreciate them. I will never be able to repay them. They keep me positive about my situation, but accept me when I am not. And I could not end this post without mentioning my loving Husband, who is the only person on Earth whose feelings are closest to mine. He is my rock. I know God gave me this trial because I had Chaisson, and he is so strong and so positive. I am so blessed to be surrounded with support and love.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 10: Symbol

I can't help but think of Clutch when I look up at our beautiful Southern Utah skies and see these Heavenly clouds. I imagine the painting of Christ in the clouds with open arms and Angels on both sides, and my mind puts Clutch right there waiting to greet me.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 9: special place

Day 9: special place

The temple is my special place. I feel so close to Heaven. It truly is a little piece of Heaven on Earth.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 8: Jewelry

Day 8: jewelry

I have so many pieces of jewelry in remembrance of Clutch, like the ring given to me at his burial with his birthstone. This necklace was given to me by coworkers and it is one of my many favorites.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 7: What to say

Day 7: What to say

His name. Say his name. It doesn't hurt me, it helps me. He is my son, my baby, a person. I will never forget him and I want to know that you won't either. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 6: what not to say

Day 6: what not to say
"I know how you feel." I know that people are only looking for a way to empathize, but they do not know how I feel. Every situation is so different that mother's who have experienced a loss themselves may not know what I may be feeling at times.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 5: memorial

Day 5: memorial
I am so grateful I have a place to go that is just his. A place to clear my mind and feel close to my son. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 4: Treasured item

Day 4: Treasured item

These hand molds are one of my most treasured items. We have a separate pair that pray with us every night. I hold them and can't believe that those little hands are forever a part of us. I am so grateful the nurses took the time to give me something so priceless. These, I will hold close to my heart forever. <3

{Captureyourgrief} Day 3: After loss photo

Day 3: After loss photo
These are the last moments that I held Clutch and the end of his service. There are no words to express how difficult this day was; Saying hello and goodbye all too close together. In the picture below, I believe reality was beginning to sink in and I was realizing that this was no bad dream. I was never going to wake up from this...this was real life. As real and raw as it gets.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 2: Before loss photo

Day 2: Before loss photo

I know I've posted this one before, but honestly, this day right here is the type of day I miss. I miss the days of innocence, when I knew nothing of the pain I deal with now.  I knew nothing of heartache, empty arms, or grief. Although, I am grateful for the new perspective that I have on life, I would trade everything i've learned to just have my son here.

{Captureyourgrief} Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1: Sunrise
This Sunrise marks the beginning of capturing my grief throughout the month of October. The loss of my son has given each and every sunrise real importance. I do not know what challenges each new day will bring, but I know that I am yet again given the chance to prove myself and to strive to become a better person. It's the beginning of another day without my son here with me, but it is also a reward for completing the one prior to.  

{Capture}yourgrief

Just a little something I will be doing in honor of my sweet angel, Clutch. <3

At a loss for words.

Last week one of my worst anxieties became a reality as I was working and a woman came running up to me with bright eyes to ask me how my baby was doing. I had rehearsed this scenario in my mind a million times, but when I was in that moment I was at a loss for words. I sat in silence for a few awkward moments as confusion came over her face. I couldn't spit out the words that seemed like a nightmare but were my reality. I was wishing so badly that I had happy news for her. In a roundabout way I told her things didn't go as planned and that he didn't make it. I felt terrible, not necessarily for myself but for her. She was also at a loss for words. I was wishing that this conversation had never happened, for her sake. I'm that girl- I put a damper on what should be a happy conversation, but this IS my reality. Another piece of my already broken heart crumbled in that moment, but I did it. I made it out alive.

A BIG {Thank You}...

Instead of picking out outfits, we were picking out a headstone... something I wish NO ONE had to do. We had debated on different styles, sayings, picture or no picture and so on. All of these ideas we had, these ideas to give our son exactly what he deserves- something beautiful and perfect like he is, costs money. A lot of money. Thousands. This was something we had not exactly planned for. My parents had so kindly offered to pick up the tab when one evening the owner of the memorial business called my Dad to tell him that someone, an anonymous someone, had called and offered to pay for Clutch's headstone- Every. Single. Penny. The person wanted to remain anonymous. I was speechless. Someone really cared that much to fork out thousands of dollars on our behalf? I was so overcome with gratitude. I kept playing in my mind how we could somehow repay this person, when I realized we cannot repay this person; All we can do is pay it forward. To help those around us in any way we can, and I hope and pray that someday we are in the position to help someone in the way this person helped us. On that day, this person gave us more than a beautiful headstone for our Angel, they gave us hope for brighter days, and for that I cannot thank them enough. So, maybe..just maybe you are out there reading this right now. I hope you know how eternally grateful I am for you. Thank you.

Where I am right now..6weeks & 5days out

{We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.}

This quote speaks volumes about the way I am feeling right now, this very moment. This is not the life I had planned for myself. 22 years old, married almost 3 years and zero children here with me. I wish I had the eyes to see the bigger picture. I often wonder, when I am 80..90... will I look back and say that my life made perfect sense? That everything that transpired put me in the place I needed to be? I hope so. I hope this experience is making me the person I need to be for some reason that I do not know. Someone has told me that you can handle life's trials one of two ways... to be bitter or better. Bitter comes easy, but better makes LIFE easier. I could be bitter...upset with God, envious of those around me, angry, and withdrawn. Bitter about where I am in life, my new life. I choose to strive to be better...to allow myself to grow, to seek understanding, to learn and to love. It is not easy, but being bitter hurts my heart. Bitterness will not bring my son back, although I will admit those thoughts run through my mind at times. At 6weeks and 5days out from the loss of my precious son, I cannot tell if time is mending my broken heart, nor do I think it ever will. But life continues, the world keeps spinning, and here I am...stuck.  6 weeks has somewhat blurred the traumatic events leading up to Clutch's birth, and allowed me to focus more on the peaceful, precious moments I spent with my sweet Angel. I continue to feel his love for us everyday,  I hope and pray that I am making him proud.

{Where I am right now...4weeks & 1day out}

Well, It's been 4weeks and 1day since the birth of our little Angel. Every second, every hour is a struggle. I never imagined the amount of emotions one could feel within such a short amount of time. These last 4 weeks have been, at times, filled with "What if's..".  What if we didn't take the extra 20 minutes to grab our Hospital bags that day? What if we could have walked a little quicker into the Hospital? What if my last Doctor's appointment could have been one day earlier? Would then, my baby be here with me? These questions go through my mind at least a hundred times a day. I have to constantly remind myself that- No, Clutch wouldn't be here. This is God's plan, not mine. I have had to let go of -my- wants and -my- needs to allow myself to accept God's plan for me. I feel like my entire life I have tried to write my own story, it's only now that I realize that I am not the author of my life. Of course if it were up to me I would have my child here in my arms, but I know Heavenly Father has a much different plan and sacrificing the time I would spend here on Earth with Clutch will become the greatest blessing I will ever know in the next life. I have become obsessed with the little things that remind me of my beautiful son. His pictures, his birthstone that I wear on my right ring finger, my Husband's dog-tag's with Clutch's name, the tree we planted, the baseballs with his name and hand print, my Hospital bracelet, my C-section scar... next to feeling his spirit near to me, all these things remind me daily that he exists, that I am his Mother. Tomorrow marks one month since his birth. I have noticed so many tender mercies in my healing physically from birth and so many spiritual blessings in my life, for this I am so grateful. I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for blessing us with this sweet little boy.

Clutch's Story

My Family, Chaisson and I had gone up to Salt Lake to attend General Conference in October 2011, I cannot remember who gave the talk but it was on the importance of having children. As I listened to this speaker, I was fighting back tears. I wanted nothing more than to be a Mother and would gladly accept if given the opportunity. I felt broken. Chaisson and I would have been over the moon to welcome a baby into our home at any time after our marriage in December 2009. After returning home from our Conference trip, I had a strange dream that I should take a pregnancy test. I had recieved too many negatives in the past and I expected that day would be no different. It was. We were thrilled, life was good and we prayed and thanked our Heavenly Father for your spirit that would join our Family. I had terrible morning sickness, the in the Hospital getting IV fluids kind of sick. I tried to never complain as I knew you were a blessing. Chaisson was amazing, so helpful. No matter what time of night it was he would hold my hair back and care for me. At only 9 weeks we decided to tell our Family. We knew it was soon, but I was so sick and exhausted it was getting hard to pretend otherwise. We had cakes made with a picture printed on the top of a little onesie with our last name and Chaisson's baseball number on the back. Our Family was just as excited as we were! Things progressed and we heard your heartbeat, I have never heard anything so beautiful. Chaisson and I were so anxious to find out who we would be bringing into this world- a little Boy or Girl. I would have dreams that we would welcome a Boy, but I just "knew" it was a Girl. Chaisson believed otherwise, he knew all along who you were. We went to our ultrasound to confirm, and you were definitely a "He". Chaisson left that office literaly fist pumping, ha. His face lit up and he already started to talk about things like the type of Baseball player you would be, and how soon he could coach a traveling team. Pregnancy was going great and you were growing well. Chais felt you kick for the first time around 22 weeks and he just couldn't believe it, there really was a little guy inside of there. Things kept progressing and you were growing and getting big. We started your nursery. We had so much fun picking out the color of your walls. I learned a lesson- don't ever let your Dad do the taping around the trim. We would have been better off free-handing. We laughed really hard when we saw what a terrible job we did. Don't worry, we got things fixed as we knew you deserved nothing short of perfection. We chose a comfy crib and all of the best things we knew you would love! We enjoyed picking out comfy pajamas and stylish outfits and tucking them away in your dresser, of course you would dress like your Dad! You even had Underarmour outfits for Baseball games. We prayed for you every morning and night, that you would be healthy and that you would know of our love for you. We went back and forth with names for what seemed like forever. Although, I knew your name would be Clutch. Your Dad was a great hitter for his college teams and could always pull through in clutch situations, like when he had the game winning hit to take his team to their conference play offs. It fit you already. We called you Baby Clutch, or little C-low (also your Dad's nickname). You were an active Boy and I would dream of how I would chase you around the house, cleaning up after you, I knew you would be a busy body. My due date was fast-approaching and we were anxious not knowing when you would make your arrival. At 37 weeks we had our last ultrasound to check your growth. I hadn't gained much. You were 6lb. 10oz. at the time and moving around like crazy! You always were shy, never letting us see that handsome face of yours. You would turn away or cross your arms over your face, something your shy Dad would have done. We would come up with combinations of our features, just trying to put something together so we had an idea of what you would look like. Little did we know even our best combinations would fall short against your actual beauty. I was having contractions on and off for a few days when we attended our last Doctor appointment. Your hearbeat was 120. I was dilated and effaced. The Doctor said "Let's have a baby!". We were both overcome with emotions-nervousness, excitement and unsure of what would soon follow. Chaisson gave me and you both a blessing, that we would be safe. My nephew, Bridger, called to tell me that Jesus would keep me and you safe, he meant it. We arrived at the Hospital and things got hectic. Your heartrate was dipping with each contraction. I felt like a heavy stone sat on my chest. We were worried. Things moved fast and everything was  a blur. An emergency C-section was how we were going to bring you into this world. Things moved so quickly that Chaisson was not allowed in the room with us. He was pacing the hospital room-alone. They had you out within 2 minutes with a tight knot tied in your cord. They worked hard on you for an hour, doing all they could. I awoke from anethesia, asking where my baby was. The Doctor replied, "With our Heavenly Father". I was shaking and in shock, Chaisson came into me and we cried together. We didn't understand why, such a healthy boy could not be with us. We had heard your heartbeating only hours ago. Then, the nurses brought you into our room and when I saw your face, I knew why. You were an Angel. You had a mature look about you, you were Celestial. You had the most beautiful face I had ever seen. You looked a lot like your Dad. You had messy, strawberry hair that did an automatic faux-hawk, your Dad's hairline, a button nose, a dimpled chin just like your Grandpa, cheeks that touched your neck they were so full, dimpled fingers and feet, and the softest most beautiful skin i'd ever seen. I had until then, underestimated my ability to love another human being so much. I will never forget your spirit. It was peaceful and content, I knew you were happy where you were- in the arms of our loving Heavenly Father. The room was filled with your loving, precious spirit as Family took turns holding you and taking every mental note, always wanting to remember your little features. We had you for an amazing 16 hours. Those 16 hours will be hours I hold dear to my heart. We whispered our love to you and told you how proud we were of you. You were too perfect for this Earth and God needed you to run Heaven.We told you all of the things we would do when we could see you again, like playing catch. I told you to come visit me in my dreams and talk to me in the Temple. I did not want that day to end, I prayed for time to stop. It didn't. Handing you over to the nurse was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do into my entire life. My arms were immediately empty, a feeling I am still getting used to. We prayed for strength, to get through even another second. I have never felt the Holy Spirit so strong- confirming to us that things would be hard, but things were going to be okay. God has a special plan for each of us, this was ours. Your spirit has since never left me, and when I need it most I ask for you to help me even more, and you do. We have molds of your tiny hands that pray with us every night. Every day is a struggle without you here on Earth. I want to see your eyes open and hear your newborn cry, even if it meant for me, not getting a second of sleep. I would do anything to have you here with us, or even still in my stomach. I would be pregnant forever if I knew that was the only way I could have you. Its hard to imagine our life without your little body here, as we know your spirit will be with us always. No first steps, ballgames, or kindergarten graduation. We have found so much comfort in the Gospel and we will center our lives around it until we meet again. We want you to be proud of the people we are, so we will strive everyday to become like you, perfect in every way. We are so anxiously awaiting the day we get to raise you again. We are beyond grateful for the Lord, Jesus Christ, the plan of Salvation and our Eternal Family. You are and always will be a part of us. We love you more than words can ever express, we are confident that you are doing amazing things. In your brief stay here on Earth you have touched more lives than most do in a lifetime. I know you have forever changed mine.We love you for the eternities, take care of us like you already do. We love you Clutch. xoxo

Love for eternity,
Mom